2022 Collapse
Quitting cold turkey in September 2021 was not a choice. I was just done with the silence. For 20 years, SSRIs muted my world until I could not cry or even feel arousal. I wanted to feel something again. I was not prepared for the chaos that followed.
Then 2022 arrived. The withdrawals hit first. COVID followed and turned into a Long COVID that stripped 30 lbs off me in a single month. For 8 months, I lived with the terrifying conviction that I had cancer. I thought the doctors were simply missing the data.
Stabilizing
In August 2022, a CT chest scan changed the trajectory of that fear. The scan was clear. I did not have cancer. By September 2022, I finally found an empathetic GP who sat and listened to my symptoms. He diagnosed me with Long COVID.
The diagnosis gave me a starting point. I made a tactical decision to go back on the SSRI just to find a floor to stand on. For the next year, I simply focused on surviving and rebuilding my baseline.
The Taper
In June 2024, I began a new path. I started by filing away at my tablets each week. I used the wood saw on my Swiss Army knife. I began with 5 strokes on each side. Eventually, I reached 100 strokes on each side. On November 29, 2025, I finally finished this 17-month process.
On Day 47 post-taper, I introduced botanical tools to manage the transition. I use a DayDay CBD + CBG + CBD oil and Lavender during the day to stay steady. For bedtime, I use a NightNight CBD + CBN oil to lock in my recovery. These are currently keeping me from the edge.
Biological Reality
There is a technical reason why that final jump feels like a cliff. Receptor occupancy follows a hyperbolic curve rather than a straight line. Research by Dr. Mark Horowitz shows that even tiny doses hold onto a massive percentage of brain receptors.
Long-term use creates Oppositional Tolerance. The brain maintains a pro-depressive state to fight the drug. PET scan data proves that 5-HT1A receptor density takes years to normalize after long-term use. The “fizz” I feel is a physical symptom of neuro-regeneration.
Data Integrity
As a Blind person with a Computer Science background, I treat my Sleep++ data as evidence. I correlate Restful % against Deep Sleep duration. My current data shows 85% sleep efficiency.
I use Gemini to parse these data points. It identifies the Archive Loops. These are the recurring 2022 memories. Gemini flags them as old data rather than current threats. This is a necessary sanity check.
Escape Velocity
I was adopted at 6 months old. I started with a different set of instructions than the environment I was placed in. My genetic code has always been at odds with the world around me. To find stability, I had to achieve Escape Velocity. I needed the force to break away from the alarms and loops that were ingrained into my early years.
Present Tense
The data helps, but I am the one in charge. I’ve stopped fighting the world. I am finally present. 2022 was a collapse. 2026 is about sitting in the captain’s chair. It is about finally facing the full, messy range of being human.
Endurance is the only metric that matters.
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