If I’m Numb, Does That Still Count?

I was listening to that version of Numb by Tommee Profitt and Skylar Grey the other night. It hit different. Not because I was crying or anything — more like it stirred something I couldn’t name. That weird quiet where you know you’re feeling something, but can’t fully figure it out yet.

If you’ve never heard it, have a listen:
🎧 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpq8evK78W4

That’s where this post came from. A moment where I realised I’m in the middle of a shift. One I’ve been working towards for a while.

I’ve been on and off antidepressants for years. Not because I wasn’t trying — but because life kept flooring me. I’d come off them, feel too much, or nothing at all, and end up back on them. The emotions either got too loud, or completely muted.

That back and forth was exhausting.

So about 13 months ago, I started tapering — properly tapering. Not the kind where a GP drops you from 20mg to 10mg and tells you to crack on. I mean slow, cautious, deliberate tapering — because I’d heard more about it — including something my therapist once mentioned reading. They didn’t suggest I do it, but they’ve supported me throughout. And I’ve been listening closely to my own body.

I started with a wooden saw blade from a Swiss Army knife. One swipe off each side of the tablet. Just a few grains to begin with. Now I’m up to 80 swipes per side. Every week, I lay them out in my pill box with care. It’s not glamorous, but it’s my system — and it’s kept me steady.

Most doctors wouldn’t recommend tapering this slowly. But I’ve heard more and more discussion lately about something called hyperbolic tapering. There was an episode of Feel Better, Live More (🎙️ listen here: https://drchatterjee.com/rethinking-mental-health-what-the-science-actually-says-about-depression-the-side-effects-of-antidepressants-finding-balance-with-professor-joanna-moncrieff/) where Dr. Rangan Chatterjee interviewed Professor Joanna Moncrieff, and they talked about how the real challenge isn’t dropping from 20mg to 10mg — it’s tapering below that. Those low doses can mess with people way more than expected because of how the brain’s receptors work.

And that lines up with what I’ve felt.

These days, feelings are coming back. Sometimes gradually. Sometimes like a sledgehammer to the chest. I’ve studied mindfulness for about eight years, so I know how to spot what’s coming up — but that doesn’t mean I can stop it. What I can do is sit with it.

And that, honestly, is brutal.

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you.”
– Bruce Lee

Some days I feel like I’m being smashed from the inside. It’s not just sadness. It’s like pressure in my ribs, or this weird ache behind my eyes that doesn’t turn into tears. The kind of pain that doesn’t bleed but still leaves you knackered. Emotions hurt in their own way — like a memory you haven’t processed, knocking around like a loose tooth.

“To become strong, you must first become soft.”
– Lao Tzu

It makes sense though. The brain burns around 20% of the body’s calories even at rest. So sitting there, doing nothing but trying to feel something properly — that’s work. That’s processing. That’s survival, not laziness.

So now I check in with myself:
Is this memory mine?
Is this emotion old, or real?
Am I reacting to now, or to back then?

And if I don’t know the answer, I just wait. Let it pass. Try not to run. Try not to fix. Just feel.

Some days I still go numb. Other days, I get flooded. But at least now, I’m not stuck in that endless loop of needing meds just to silence what was never being heard.

I’m not trying to be perfect. I’m not even trying to be better.
I’m just trying to be me. And for now — that counts.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
– Lao Tzu

– Tactile Nomad

“Real living is living for others.”
– Bruce Lee